Harry Potter And The Greatest Stories Never Told
by Aqua'sShadow
Summary: J.K. Rowling couldn't add EVERY little detail into the books! So these are some tales she forgot. Welcome to the greatest Harry Potter stories never told!
1. Harry Potter And The Invisible Pedestria...

Rated R for extreme cursing and violence.  
  
Disclaimer: I won Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, but not Harry Potter.  
  
Summary: Read it.  
  
Harry Potter and the Invisible Pedestrian  
  
One day, Harry Potter realized he needed to go out and buy some crap. He looked around his stuff, trying to figure out what to buy. Finally he realized he had lost his favorite stuffed cat named Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, whom he had named after his new favorite movie (move over, Freddy Got Fingered!) - Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back.  
  
After he had gotten some of his money together, he went and found Ron and Hermione. They were busy yelling at each other.  
  
"Goddammitfuckshitbloodyhell!" Ron cursed.  
  
"Well, if you would just do whatever I say and accept me as your omnipotent, omniscient ruler, then we wouldn't be having this fight!"  
  
"Shitfuckdamn, fuckyou, bitch! Bloodyhell!" Ron cursed again. "Wait," he said. "You said impotent."  
  
" . . . No, I didn't."  
  
"Yes, you did."  
  
"No, I didn't! I said omnipotent!"  
  
Harry fell down. Then he got back up again. Once he had their attention, he said, "Want to go shopping with me? I need to buy a new Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck."  
  
"Okay!" Hermione said.  
  
"Fuckin' hell, okay!" Ron said.  
  
They both stared at Ron.  
  
"Hey, Harry!" Hermione said. "You're in your pajamas!" He was wearing too small pajamas with feet with a picture of the Monkees on the front.  
  
"So I am! Better go get dressed then!" Harry said, then left. He couldn't find any other clothes than black pants, a black shirt, black shoes, and a black ski mask. He put it all on, even the ski mask because it was very cold outside.  
  
"Hey! Harry looks like an Invisible Pedestrian!" Ron said, then added in a curse word. "Fuck."  
  
"A what now?" Hermione asked.  
  
"You know, when someone dresses in black, crosses the street, and then cars can't see them! They're Invisible Pedestrians!"  
  
"Well, I won't get hit by a car! I'm a wizard!"  
  
"Well, you might if you don't suspect it . . . Dammit."  
  
Everyone stared at Ron.  
  
Five minutes later, they crossed the street to Diagon Alley. It was night time by the then. They brought Hedwig and Scabbers just for the hell of it and because Scabbers was going crazy. And they brought Hedwig because they thought the owl might eat him and cough up some cool looking owl pellets and because Ron didn't like him.  
  
Ron cursed.  
  
Once Harry crossed the street all by himself without getting hit by a car, he said, "BOO YEAH! IN YOUR FACE!" and walked away smugly. Hedwig, flying close behind him, suddenly veered off and ran into a pole.  
  
Everyone stared at Hedwig's unmoving body. Then they kept walking again. Finally they got to the toy store and Harry selected a medium sized white kitty that resembled the white cat from Aristocrats, complete with necklade. It was curled up with it's head lifted. Harry payed for it with some sickles and knuts and walked away. Once he was out of the store, he dubbed it Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck the Second and bit it's head off.  
  
"Why the fuck did you do that?!" Ron yelled.  
  
Hermione made goldfish type movements with her mouth as she stared down into her hands at the stuffed cat's head.  
  
"Now it looks like the OLD Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck!" Harry explained.  
  
"Ahhh," everyone said, nodding.  
  
The three of them crossed the street. Harry skipped into the street first because he was so excited about buying a new Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck. Suddenly there were a flash of large headlights a bus sped toward him. He didn't even have time to jump out of the way. The bus hit him head on and he went flying up onto the top, rolled, and fell off the back. He attempted to crawl away with two broken legs. Meanwhile, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck had been caught up under the wheels and then flew off and hit Ron in the face. Ron cursed. The bus driver, seeing Harry Potter was still alive, went back and backed over him.  
  
Repeatedly.  
  
***  
One Week Later  
  
Harry Potter was lying in bed with a full body cast and a lobotomy.  
  
"Why did you give him a lobotomy?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I dunno," Ron said. "It was a two for one deal."  
  
"Really? Who else got one?"  
  
Ron looked at her, and snapped his fingers. Two men in white came and dragged Hermione away kicking and screaming.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!!"  
  
Meanwhile, Alice in California was at home making-out with Oliver Wood from the movie. 


	2. Harry Potter And The African Soldier Ant...

Rated R for extreme cursing and violence.  
  
Disclaimer: I own Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, the Soldier Ants, and the dragon, but not any character from Harry Potter.  
  
Summary: Read it.  
  
Harry Potter And The African Soldier Ants  
  
Once Harry Potter had recovered from the hospital, he and Hermione had had their frontal lobes stitched back on with the help of some magic, and they all had relocated Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck, or BBFK for short, they all sat in the common room together.  
  
It had been a year since Harry and Hermione had gotten their lobotomies and only Ron remembered it because the memory sensors are in the frontal lobes and that was what they had had removed. "Hey, guess what?" Ron said.  
  
"You're brothers planted a stink bomb in Snape's potion class?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Uh-huh, like, totally, whatever, you, like, wore white after labor day? Uh, like, totally!" Parvati said.  
  
"Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck bit you?" Everyone stared at Harry.  
  
"Cuz, like wearing white after labor day would like _totally _suck, ya know? Heehee!"  
  
Ron stuffed a potato in Parvati's mouth and she was quiet as she chewed on that silently. "No, my brother in Romania is coming to give a lecture on dragons. First he's making a quick stop in Africa to pick up an orphaned dragon."  
  
And there was much applauding and rejoicing.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in Africa . . .   
  
"I have an idea," Ron's brother said. "In order to feed the dragon, we'll put something really sweet like candy - that would surely attract ants - in it's cage near a small air hole - just big enough for some ants to get in - and we'll leave him there for about an hour - just long enough for some ants to come along - and then we'll go!"  
  
"Gee, I hope no ants get in."  
  
"Don't be ridiculous. No ants would come in! Especially not African Soldier Ants, which eat everything in their path, including tied up horses and little babies!"  
  
"Of course. What was I thinking? It's a good thing that African Soldier Ants don't eat dragons because of the scales, though, right?"  
  
"That's right, my friend, that's right."  
  
An hour later, Ron's brother packed everything up and they all went to Hogwarts School For Witchcraft And Wizadry.  
  
***  
  
A few hours later, the crate was being unpacked by Ron, Hermione, Harry, and everyone's favorite fuck-up, Neville.  
  
"Neville, Goddammitfuck, would you help me with this bloody heavy crate?" Ron asked. " . . . Shit."  
  
Neville sighed. "Okay, stand back," he said. He pulled as hard as he could and the top popped off, sending him falling back. As soon as the top was off, thousands of large ants poured out of the box and a very frightened dragon swooped out. The ants took off in one direction: toward Neville.  
  
"Don't worry, Neville, Super Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck will save you!" Harry Potter threw BBFK in front of the ants. The ants swarmed over it and when they had gone, only a tiny bit of fluff was left. A few ants went back and finished that off and then they continued toward Neville. "Fuck," Harry said.  
  
"YOU STOLE MY FUCKIN' LINE!" Ron screamed, attacking Harry.  
  
"YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!" Hermione roared.  
  
Ron stopped. "You said impotence."  
  
" . . . No, I didn't."  
  
"Yes, you did."  
  
"No. I said insolence."  
  
"Oh." Ron continued beating on Harry.  
  
"Little help here, people!" Neville cried, who was backed up against the wall.  
  
"Don't worry! Dobby will save you!" Dobby had suddenly appeared in front of the Soldier Ants. The Soldier Ants swarmed over him and all that was left was a little Dobby ankle. Once again, the ants finished it off.  
  
"Oh, bugger," Neville said. He was backed into a corner now with no way of escape. Then he heard some cruel laughter. "Not now, Draco," Neville sighed. "I'm sort of busy."  
  
"What's the matter, Neville? Are the ants scaring you?" Draco taunted.  
  
"What part of busy don't you understand, you prat?!"  
  
"What did you call me?!"  
  
"I called you a prat!"  
  
Draco ran at him, the ants going right over him. He fell to the ground, screaming. "HELP! HELP! THEY'RE EATING MY FLESH! GAAAH!!!!"  
  
And then they were upon Neville.  
  
***  
  
One Week Later  
  
"So how does it feel to have ankles and no feet, Neville?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Oh, it's alright, I suppose. A little painful, but alright." He hobbled away.  
  
Meanwhile, Alice, the writer's sister, in California was at home making-out with Oliver Wood from the movie. 


End file.
